Ok well maybe not ‘skinny’, just a bit slimmer, maybe drop 2 or 3 dress sizes?! Just for one day. I just want to test it out. Will I really be happier if I lose all that weight and look like the image I constantly carry around in my head? Does being a slim size 10 really give you confidence and happiness? Or do size 8’s and 10’s day dream of being that little bit ‘chubbier’?! Seriously though, why the frangipane (keeping it clean!😂) do sizes and numbers matter?!
I’ve struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. Going through the usual puppy fat phase, then the ‘eat all you like and not gain anything’ phase, where I was ridiculously skinny and I just looked all gangly and ill and then the phase of drinking too much, partying too hard and living on 3am donner kebabs. Then came the settling down and having kids. When you settle down with someone it usually means eating together- A LOT- because you’re comfortable with that person and you get to a point where you just don’t care what they think you look like, you know they love you because they’ve chosen to be with you and they’re eating just the same. God, I remember when I first got with G I was too scared to eat anything in front of him, it just made me feel uncomfortable.
I realise that I put myself under far too much pressure to lose weight but it’s something I can never seem to get rid of. I think the summer days make it worse because when the sun is out I try to stick with my usual ‘cover up’ clothes of jeans and long sleeved tops or oversized t-shirts but then the heat is unbearable and it’s just not comfortable. Or I try and go for summer attire like a vest top or maxi dress and end up crying at what I see in the mirror- big chubby arms, ‘tyre’ rolls across my middle, thick thighs, pale spotty skin- honestly it’s just whatever bugs me that day- and I can’t feel comfortable in those clothes either. I’m not exactly unfit though because I don’t drive I walk everywhere, unless it’s on the weekend when G drives us about. And the walking is quite hard work when I have two young kids to push in a big tandem travel system. I go to two or three exercise classes a week too, which I absolutely love! If I could afford it I’d go everyday! But I enjoy a drink too and we usually have a take away or meal out on a weekend so I think everything just balances out and I stay the same.
I think I need to remind myself though that I have had two kids, one only 11.5 weeks ago too. I eat healthy, I’ve started drinking crap loads of water, switched to diet coke, went back to my fitness classes, so without punishing myself altogether by cutting out the occasional takeaway and bottle of wine (never gonna happen!) I think I’m probably doing pretty well! Us women put ourselves under far too much pressure to look a certain way and I hate that. 😡
But if I could just have that day, just one day, maybe I’d realise that being ‘skinny’ isn’t everything and that I’ll probably be happier just the way I am.
Mother Hermit xx